Hello lovelies,
Whenever I promise a blog is coming, I end up deleting the whole thing and so, I will not be promising you all blog posts about topics anymore so maybe I will actually post them for you all. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my writing and I want to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with you all while loving what I create so I apologize for the long pauses between blogs.
On the plus side, this is already more blog posts this year than the last two... one blog a year! Oops! Last month, I was reading someone's blog and really enjoyed the fact they would blog just everyday stories and experiences they've had with no lesson or overall meaning to it. I feel like I pressure myself into having to make every blog of mine inspiring or motivational even when I am not feeling either of those things. In reality, I love when people can be vulnerable and honest in front of others, even when it is scary.
One thing that is crazy to me is the fact I was a sophomore in high school when I started this blog. After all these years, I have still loved writing here with the intention of hoping I can make a difference even if it is through blogs I share online.
Here is the scary vulnerability part I will share with you all: For most of last year (2022), I felt like I was just drifting through life with no sudden motivation or purpose to keep going. I would wake up and my chest would feel like bricks so I would stay in my dorm room at college with the lights off and not move for hours at a time. I didn't tell my family or friends about these feelings until it was obvious that I was struggling. I felt ashamed. I did not like myself.
It was clear that I needed a break from college to pick myself back up from the bottom of this hole I burrowed myself into. As you all can recall, I touched on this in my last blog (click here to read my last one!) but depression is a pest that refuses to let up on you at times and it felt like this was a forever feeling: failing at life.
Looking back on this time, I wish I could tell myself that I wouldn't feel like that forever and that I would get lucky in helping change children's lives and start finding myself again. I feel like a much better version of myself now.
That doesn't mean that I don't have my struggles which I definitely do. I have a lot to still learn about myself and I need to treat myself better. I have made sticky notes of nice quotes in my bathroom to look at every morning to start my day off on the right foot. I am still having hard times but I know that I can make it through.
What I wanted to touch on in this mess of a blog: I have changed so much ever since I made this blog. It is a good feeling knowing I have made it through hard times and that it is okay to change and make mistakes.
It is also a good feeling to know I am not alone in my experiences. For example, when I found out that I was not the only person that has gotten in a stranger's car thinking it was my own... I felt reassured that it seemed to be a common experience...
Don't leave your car unlocked at Walmart!
That's today's lesson.
Hopefully, I will be back with another blog soon. Thank you for reading this mess of a thought train as always.
Love always,
Zayniator
Currently listening to Freakshow by Britney Spears
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| Hours before a Taylor Swift concert |
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