1-800-273-8255

I can’t post with the same introduction as usual because I’m opening up a journal of thoughts that I try to keep buried but it’s good to be vulnerable, right? I keep having to pause on typing to take a breath before continuing because this is hard for me to talk about but I also feel the need to share.

In case you didn’t know, it’s suicide prevention week. Suicide isn’t happening only because someone didn’t get enough attention, didn’t care about how it affect their families and friends, or was too selfish. I know this is a sensitive topic but I feel like the awareness to help others is more important than keeping quiet and staying in the corner and brushing off the topic.

I’ve went through some really tough mental struggles in my life and at some points, I thought I wasn’t going to last until the next day or the next week. I felt trapped inside my own head and it’s an indescribable feeling to be locked up in your own mind and not finding a key anywhere.

But it’ll arrive.

I used to scratch my own arms when I was younger so I could feel something. I used to have tiny scars on my arm where I did and every time I looked at it, I felt guilt. I’ve done many things among wanting to harm my own good which I’m not proud of and reflecting back on it.. it’s scary.

I’ve felt hopeless. I’ve felt like I wouldn’t matter if I disappeared. If my mind was a prison then I was being held on death row.

I made it through though. I thought these hard times that I couldn’t overcome or be over with... ended. I’m not saying that I don’t feel those anymore permanently but for now, I’m okay. Life is a rollercoaster and I’m holding on.

I wanted to blog about this for many reasons but if for some miracle someone decides to read this and  it relates to how they’re feeling and that their struggles aren’t only existing in their world only. I always blog about the sunshine feelings with little mention of my dark times but I felt like this was a good thing to share.

Someone can act all okay but please make sure you confirm that they’re okay. It doesn’t take much to pick up a phone and call or text someone you haven’t heard from in awhile to remind them that you care. You’re never alone.

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about your dwelling negative thoughts with your family or your friends, please know you can call that number. 

You matter. 

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to Truce by twenty one pilots

Having Passion and What That Means To Me

Hello my lovelies,

My brain gears are currently turning so fast in deep thoughts and of course, I want to share with you about how much this blows my mind.

What am I thinking?

Passion.

To me, the word passion symbolizes something or someone that causes you to majorly feel indescribable. Whatever it is, you can’t explain your feelings because whatever words you use won’t be even close to be what you feel deep inside.

Music is a passion of mine and so is writing. Sure, I do love music and writing but in my mind that’s not even close to what I feel.

You can gain passion for something that makes you feel better or you can just turn to when all else fails and for me that’s music. I love Taylor Swift and I love twenty one pilots in very different ways. I love a lot of songs that aren’t by them but listening to them takes me on a whole other world.

I became a fan of Taylor Swift when I was in second grade and I feel like I can’t ever love any other singer as much as her because I’ve grown up with her music and maybe that’s a reason I love romantic books and movies.

I fell in love with twenty one pilots in 2015 and haven’t looked back. I found their music when I fell in a dark place inside my head but with their songs, I felt not alone. I sit and listen to think about how Tyler Joseph’s songwriting described my feelings and a comfort to listen to. I still go into my dark place sometimes but I have their songs to fall back on.

I’m so glad I found music that makes me feel indescribable.

I think it’s important to find something you’re passionate about because if you don’t have something or someone that makes you feel like you belong in this time and place then in my opinion, wouldn’t that be boring?

Your passion can be anything from music to books to your friends and family plus your beliefs. Just try to find something that makes you feel alive. 

I know I’m only eighteen but I really do believe that we can find happiness in small things and happiness isn’t a destination. It’s a feeling.

Please don’t pressure yourself at that thought of needing to be happy at all times and it’s okay to be not okay.

Thank you for reading as always.

Love,

Zayniator

Listening to: Addict With A Pen by twenty one pilots