Who Am I? (Poetry Corner)

Please set me up with myself

and let me point out my flaws

and critique myself. 

But don't let me find out that I'm looking at myself. 

Put masks on but keep the real me inside 

and let me figure out. 

Maybe then I will know who I am.

I STARTED READING LITTLE WOMEN?! (Catch Up Blog)

Hey lovelies,

I haven't had a real blogging about my life and my mind lately so I want to get down deep in this once more. I got my hair made over the other day and I feel brand new.

RACHEL GREEN WATCH OUT! 

I started reading the classic story of "Little Women" and the book is so tiny that it can fit in my hands and the words are microscopic but I am determined to read the book and enjoy how cute the books looks. Don't forget that my last blog post was a book review of Girls of Paper and Fire!

 A couple of weeks ago, I got to travel with my FCCLA group to Louisville, Kentucky! I enjoyed the new adventures and the food I had because I love.... food. Also, I got to try the best fudge in the universe and I am not even that much of a fudge lover (or chocolate). 

Thanksgiving was very fun with giving thanks with my family and getting to see everyone............ I love pumpkin pie. 

I really can't believe it is the last month of 2018! Make it count. :) 

Love always,

Zayniator 

Listening to: Roses by Somo

Book Review: Girls Of Paper And Fire By Natasha Njan

Hey lovelies,

This last week I read Girls of Paper and Fire and all I have to say is: I could not put the book down. One of the best books that I have read in a while. The characters all had great descriptions that you couldn't help but wonder how the imagination you read in Njan's words flows in your mind like a movie.

What is Girls of Paper and Fire about? There are three castes- one which is human with animal like qualities like having bat ears
One that’s fully human And one that’s all the way animal and is like demonic. The paper castes are the ones fully human and there’s 8 paper caste girls that get taken from their villages for the king to mostly use for the pleasure of the king and the main girl is the special 9th one chosen to go to the King. Her mother was taken by the castle and killed when she was little and she already hates the castle and just it’s her journey on rebelling against the kingdom and her finding love in someone that’s not the king.

I give this book a solid 8.5.

I would recommend this book if you love action and romance. Also if you have read The Selection series, this book will appeal to you.

Love always.

Zayniator

Listening to: 7 Days by Alessia Cara

Running Away From Your Own Mind

Her wet hair stuck to her face as she stood up from the ice cold puddle she let herself fall into.
Her mental clock bet it was around midnight.
Her thoughts get lost upon the trees above her.
She lost them a long time ago.
She keeps walking to forget.
Forget the past.
Forget her feelings.
Mostly, to forget faces.
Her mind pondered every single minute of them. They was a disease in her brain she couldn't get out.
The doctors told her mother they were not real. That her imagination  was strong.
But what is imagination when you can feel the skin, the breath of the person? When you can hear their voice in your mind? When you can see them?
No one knew this wasn't just her imagination.
No one knew about them but her.
She knew they were all hers to know.
Her hands go to her petticoat button. Before she knows what she's doing, her petticoat falls to the ground.
Her feet kick into the material as it flies into the puddle. Her hands clasp around herself as she sits in the snow.
"Why are you not here?" She whispers to herself as tears fall down her cheeks. The image of smiles and people that claim to have never existed come to her mind and she lets out a ear piercing scream with anger.
She never looked back at them again.
She never told how she felt.
So it consumed her whole until she went

insane.

This Is A Cry For Help (Poetry Corner)

   

this is a cry for help.

the screaming in my mind

is at it again with the nonsense 

of breaking pens and words into simple letters. 

this is a scream for my dreams to change. 

the captain of my dreams decided 

it was time for me 

to launch myself 

into the sea of tragedy. 

tragedy in the way the walls block

me from communicating

with the fear of disappointing. 

please unlock the prison cell that 

my mind is stuck in.

my lungs launched at oxygen as I felt

holes being poked into the walls.

maybe I will be saved after all.

My Poetry Corner #1 + Daily Writing Challenge

Hey lovelies, 

I have challenged myself to write on a daily basis over anything that comes to my mind. It is November 1st which seems like a good day to start. I am doing my writing by actual paper because it is a vulnerable feeling being able to do that. 

Also, I thought I would change it up a bit and share some of my own poetry for you today. I hope you like it. 

may your heart

be forever protected

by the angels and their songs of praise

for your deeds as a human being.

if the trolls and demons and acts of

others come barging in,

cover your ears and close your eyes.

if waterfalls escape down your cheeks, 

it will help flowers grow in your garden at your feet.

if it's too cold enough to numb

your heart and hands,

may warmth come through

at the end for you,

my friend. 

your breath is caught in your throat

as you tremble down to the ground 

and no one is around. 

wrap your arms around the figure 

of your own self and your

eyes may shut with darkness to

escape to your happy place.

remember everything is temporary 

and you can make it through.  

- z.h

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to: These Times by SafetySuit

One Step At A Time

Hi my lovelies,

I got into my dream college: Oklahoma State University! I put off my application for so long because I felt as if I was at a brick wall of anxiety that I can't get through. I cried so many times at night over the thought of going to college and failing to not get in. It was a scary state of mind and I do not wish that on anybody.

I thought that if I possibly made a three step goal accomplishing list that it would maybe help for future times and the light popped on in my head of why not sharing with you all?

Step one: Set A Goal 

I know that we all sometimes tend to go with the flow in our lives and to kinda know where you are going, but wouldn't be easier setting up a goal to do? Your goals don't have to be big like becoming the next popular writer. Your goals can be short term as well. I find doing long term goals more pressuring so I break it down even more to the milestones.

For example: I am going to post a blog this week.


Step two: Build Your Ladder 

Your goal might need some encouragement or mini steps to get the inspiration to actually accomplish it. I don't blog sometimes because I don't have the inspiration to write. I don't want to put out something that has no heart or thought in it, you know?

Everything you do should be among the lines to help yourself feel better.

Step Three: Start Your Engines 

Life is not supposed to be easy it seems. It may be easier being a little kid but I have come to notice that i would rather not be a little kid because they wouldn't know what is happening around them besides their little bubble of rainbows and unicorns. I guess that seems better though sometimes, doesn't it?

I am still struggling with things that cause me anxiety and l am trying to get past that brick wall... goals don't need a time limit (unless it is something like pay the bills then WAKE UP YOU NEED TO MAKE MONEY) and don't put too much pressure on yourself on that task.

The third step means to start fulfilling whatever your goal is.

I know this blog was not like my usual ones but again, I love sharing my thoughts and helping others.

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to: Run by LANY

Appreciation For My Grandparents

You are a legend in my mind.

Hello my lovelies,

 Yesterday, it was World Mental Health Day so I think that it’s important to bring attention to this because your mental health is important. We all are having hard times.

You come first.

Always. 

I want to thank everyone for all the support on my last blog about suicide prevention and sharing it for others as well. My goal of helping people and making touching posts succeeded but it’s never 100% finished.

One of my many inspirations has a birthday today and I just want to share that I hope I’m doing my nanaw (great grandmother)  proud. Cherish your grandparents and great grandparents, even. They could be filled with lessons and stories to be remembered and passed on.

Importantly, memories to be made.

Be sure to fill your life with memories and experiences to share with your family later on when they ask about what you did at that certain time. It’s okay to not live an exciting life but don’t live a life with regrets either. You never know what the future holds.

Be thankful.

Today’s blog post is mostly to share that I’m grateful for my family and my grandparents. I love them.

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to: Legend by twenty one pilots

Happy birthday, Nanaw.

1-800-273-8255

I can’t post with the same introduction as usual because I’m opening up a journal of thoughts that I try to keep buried but it’s good to be vulnerable, right? I keep having to pause on typing to take a breath before continuing because this is hard for me to talk about but I also feel the need to share.

In case you didn’t know, it’s suicide prevention week. Suicide isn’t happening only because someone didn’t get enough attention, didn’t care about how it affect their families and friends, or was too selfish. I know this is a sensitive topic but I feel like the awareness to help others is more important than keeping quiet and staying in the corner and brushing off the topic.

I’ve went through some really tough mental struggles in my life and at some points, I thought I wasn’t going to last until the next day or the next week. I felt trapped inside my own head and it’s an indescribable feeling to be locked up in your own mind and not finding a key anywhere.

But it’ll arrive.

I used to scratch my own arms when I was younger so I could feel something. I used to have tiny scars on my arm where I did and every time I looked at it, I felt guilt. I’ve done many things among wanting to harm my own good which I’m not proud of and reflecting back on it.. it’s scary.

I’ve felt hopeless. I’ve felt like I wouldn’t matter if I disappeared. If my mind was a prison then I was being held on death row.

I made it through though. I thought these hard times that I couldn’t overcome or be over with... ended. I’m not saying that I don’t feel those anymore permanently but for now, I’m okay. Life is a rollercoaster and I’m holding on.

I wanted to blog about this for many reasons but if for some miracle someone decides to read this and  it relates to how they’re feeling and that their struggles aren’t only existing in their world only. I always blog about the sunshine feelings with little mention of my dark times but I felt like this was a good thing to share.

Someone can act all okay but please make sure you confirm that they’re okay. It doesn’t take much to pick up a phone and call or text someone you haven’t heard from in awhile to remind them that you care. You’re never alone.

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about your dwelling negative thoughts with your family or your friends, please know you can call that number. 

You matter. 

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to Truce by twenty one pilots

Having Passion and What That Means To Me

Hello my lovelies,

My brain gears are currently turning so fast in deep thoughts and of course, I want to share with you about how much this blows my mind.

What am I thinking?

Passion.

To me, the word passion symbolizes something or someone that causes you to majorly feel indescribable. Whatever it is, you can’t explain your feelings because whatever words you use won’t be even close to be what you feel deep inside.

Music is a passion of mine and so is writing. Sure, I do love music and writing but in my mind that’s not even close to what I feel.

You can gain passion for something that makes you feel better or you can just turn to when all else fails and for me that’s music. I love Taylor Swift and I love twenty one pilots in very different ways. I love a lot of songs that aren’t by them but listening to them takes me on a whole other world.

I became a fan of Taylor Swift when I was in second grade and I feel like I can’t ever love any other singer as much as her because I’ve grown up with her music and maybe that’s a reason I love romantic books and movies.

I fell in love with twenty one pilots in 2015 and haven’t looked back. I found their music when I fell in a dark place inside my head but with their songs, I felt not alone. I sit and listen to think about how Tyler Joseph’s songwriting described my feelings and a comfort to listen to. I still go into my dark place sometimes but I have their songs to fall back on.

I’m so glad I found music that makes me feel indescribable.

I think it’s important to find something you’re passionate about because if you don’t have something or someone that makes you feel like you belong in this time and place then in my opinion, wouldn’t that be boring?

Your passion can be anything from music to books to your friends and family plus your beliefs. Just try to find something that makes you feel alive. 

I know I’m only eighteen but I really do believe that we can find happiness in small things and happiness isn’t a destination. It’s a feeling.

Please don’t pressure yourself at that thought of needing to be happy at all times and it’s okay to be not okay.

Thank you for reading as always.

Love,

Zayniator

Listening to: Addict With A Pen by twenty one pilots

Remembering Summer 2018 And Blog Hiatus

Hello my lovelies!

It has been a while since I have blogged and to be honest I have had many drafts saved to share with you but at the last minute, I decide against. It is a very vulnerable thing to share your own words online for others to read and I take every word of my blog very serious.

Welcome back!

This summer was filled with many adventures and I will spare you the long boring talk of it..... but I will talk about my favorite memories.

At the end of my junior year, my best friend Kaylee and I took a trip to visit my grandparents in Maryland. It was a very memorable trip and I enjoyed every moment.

My granddad took us on his special version of touring Washington D.C

Also, I highly suggest trying orange juice with vanilla ice cream because that is delicious. We spent mornings playing instruments and serenading my best friend and my Grandmom with ukulele skills was a major highlight.

After that trip, there was a small break of just reading and enjoying the calm moments with my family before taking a trip to Branson for the Fourth of July! I really enjoyed Silver Dollar City, mostly. Also, the fireworks I watched was beautiful and one of the best I have ever seen so that trip was also a success.

LASTLY, Moebius Syndrome Conference in Florida and getting to see family! First, my dad drove to where my aunt and uncle live with my little cousins and we stayed a couple days with them before heading on to the conference.

My silly cousin Charlotte! 

We took a trip to the beach and also went to a waterpark but in between those activities, there was never a dull moment. Plus, I got to love on their dogs.

After those few days, my dad continued and I continued the adventure to the Moebius conference. This is an indescribable experience with seeing friends from the previous conferences but also making and meeting new friends. This trip brought me tears out of overwhelming admiration for everyone there.

As I am typing and looking over those pictures, I am getting teary eyed again. I cannot explain this trip because there are no words... if you ever see me, ask me about this trip or Moebius in general. I am proud to be in the Moebius community and am thankful for this.

This summer was unforgettable and now... it's my senior year of high school. This blog will be back in business once more and I will try my best to believe my words are worthy enough to be shared.

Thank you for reading as always.

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to: The Man Who Can't Be Moved By The Script

Living Without Being Able To Smile Like Everyone Else

Hello my lovelies, I hope you’re having a great day.

I was watching a YouTuber named Shane Dawson and he has this video where he met a blind person for the first time and she was speaking about how people question her about her blindness and how she manages it. I felt like her answer was relatable because she mentioned how she learned to deal with her loss of sight and how it wasn’t that big of a deal to her how she couldn’t see so that was just her lifestyle; having no sight didn’t bother her because that’s all she knows. 

I’ve only known to smile my way since I first smiled. No, my lips don’t ever touch. Do I ever envy people who can smile and move their lips with good speech? Yes, but I embrace how I am.

I can’t tell how many times I’ve been by little kids who’ve stared and questioned why I am the way I am: it has become a expectation every time I’m going somewhere like Walmart or McDonald’s. Parents sometimes would quickly scold them (or drag their arm away which is okay too) and apologize when honestly, it’s just curiosity. I don’t mind having curious questions being asked or stares because I’m different. 

I’m grateful and I am honestly in love with my own smile because I’m lucky enough to have that facial expression unlike some of my own Moebius friends who can’t even move their facial muscles.

I think we all are lucky to be who we are because there’s no one that can do you better than you.

So when you meet or see someone out of the ordinary, remember how amazing and lucky you are. Plus, EMBRACE them as well!

I’ll forever get frustrated over the day a boy screamed “Down Syndrome!” at me because firstly, it blows my mind how some people are that type to judge he rude and cruel to total strangers. Secondly, just because someone has a disability or is suffering does NOT mean they’re any less than you will ever be.

Lastly, if you judge someone by the outside then I hope you learn to not do that.

There’s always those people who I talk to and it’s like a sense to automatically know when they have no idea what I’ve said but they act like they do so they nod and are like “Oh yeah..” because they’re scared to ask me.

It’s better to ask questions than pretend to know what you’re doing or hearing (this goes for school too).

Being 18, having Moebius and other health problems plus speech sometimes and had over 20 surgeries has no effect on how I live my life. I may look different but I’m on the same brainwave as you.

Please remember that you should be grateful for not only how you are but everything you have. With all these stories about people losing their homes and animals, cherish everything as if it’s the last moment you have with it.

Have a great day or night or whenever you read this.

Also, prom is right around the corner so !!!! Excited. My prom date is going to be my best friend Kaylee because who needs a guy to take you? (If you’re taking an actual date, congratulations!!)

Happy Thursday.
Love Always,

Zayniator

Listening to: TOO GOOD by Troye Sivan 

Rememberance And Goals

Hey my lovelies,

It’s been awhile since I posted on my blog so hello! I just finished rewriting an essay about my ancestors and one person that still is in my head all the time is my nanaw.

I hope everyone meets someone that affects your life as much as my nanaw affected mine. It’s been five years and it still feels like yesterday she’d play go fish with me and I’d be fascinated by her skills of shuffling cards.

Let’s not forget her love of tennis and jeopardy and her love for God.

I was amazed by everything she did, honestly. When I saw the movie I Can Only Imagine, one of the thoughts I had was about her and that she would’ve loved this movie too. I’m currently playing the song and I’m crying, oops.

My nanaw isn’t just someone that was wise and great; she was one of a kind. She motivates me to be more like her everyday.

I know we don’t think all about our steps in life but we are leaving marks on this earth that we may not be remembered by everyone but I’m sure we will be remembered. We’re all different in our own ways and together if we put our minds in sync, we’ll be able to accomplish more and have more love and positivity.

We need positivity in this world.

Remember to smile today!

Also, wish me luck on my one act play tonight. (:

Peace, love, and positivity.

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to: In The Dark by Camila Cabello

 

Smiling With Our Hearts

Hello my lovelies!

Yesterday was Moebius Awareness Day 2018 and it’s always been amazing. I can’t express what I feel when I see so many people in purple.

It’s honestly indescribable.

Thank you to those who ordered a shirt which help funded my trip this summer to go to Florida to my third Moebius conference. I honestly can’t thank everyone enough that wore purple, that spread the word about this special day.

A month from now I’ll be 18 which is honestly crazy to me. I don’t like how fast time is going. Please slow it down.

This is a short blog post but just know thank you so much. Thank. You.

Love Always, 

Zayniator 

Listening to: 

Undertow by Timbaland featuring The Fray