Hello 2022

 Hello my lovelies, 

I did not realize it has almost been a year since I last blogged. It's kinda crazy to me that I only posted once last year. I had two draft posts with five words waiting to be fulfilled for your beautiful brains which I never got to finish. It is hard being a perfectionist writer because I want to feel confident in what I write and it always flatters me when I get compliments. It is still unbelievable after all these years that people enjoy my blogs! Thank you for reading as always. 

While I am typing this, I am starting my 2022 Spring semester of college! I realized the other day that I graduated in 2019 and it still feels like last year. Time flies. Time also doesn't feel real at the same time because so many things feel like they have happened yesterday when it was a year or two ago. How crazy? 

Last year had amazing memories and travels. I went to North Dakota, Minnesota, Florida, Maryland, and Texas last summer. I got to see family I don't see often and create really fun memories to look back on. I also got to read a lot of books. I set out with the goal of reading 30 books last year and I achieved it! Now you must be wondering: what books have stayed in your head? 

One book: Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. This book destroyed my heart and made me bawl like a child but I loved every minute of it. It has such beautiful writing and you don't have to know mythology to read this. I absolutely loved it. I adore Patroclus with my heart. 

Fun fact: I have a magnet on my mini-fridge in my dorm that says "I mourn the death of fictional characters" and it is true. Last week, I finished a book called They Both Die At The End... I also cried to that book. I set my goal this year to be 30 books again because it felt like the perfect amount so I could be a college student and bookworm! Cheers! 

January 24th is Moebius Syndrome Awareness Day which is honestly one of my favorite days of the year. The Moebius community feels like a bonus family and it would mean the absolute world to me if you wore purple to smile with your heart. It is an indescribable feeling to see so much support on that day and I love spreading awareness for this. 

Lastly, I am 21 now and turning 22 next month (you know I will be playing Taylor Swift). I reread things I post sometimes and laugh at myself because I do not know the future. I have had this blog since I was 16 which is crazy to me. I can't believe it. 

Everyone is growing every day and our minds change. We are all having our own ups and downs in this world and as always, I want to reassure you that you are never alone. The world can be feeling like it is on your shoulders and there is nothing you can do except lock yourself in. It is okay to be sad and I am still trying to learn that is okay to ask for help. 

I am really grateful for the people in my life and the patience and support I have. There isn't really a message in this blog to take with you but I just wanted to update you all on my life. 

Hopefully this year I will have more than just this posted for you. 

Thank you, 

Zayniator 

Currently listening to: Red Eye by Kid Cudi with Haim

Life Is Worth It

 Hello my lovelies, 

It has been a while since I last blogged which was in September. On December 1st, my blog marked another year of existence. Can you believe I have had this blog for four years? It makes me giggle at the fact at this time last year, I posted a blog titled "2020 and Thriving". Little did we all know, there wouldn't be much thriving when March rolled around. 

It is now 2021 and February which means: it is my birthday month! I am turning 21 this month and honestly, I can't believe it. This is going to sound very depressing but when I was younger, I thought I'd never make it to twenty one. I always thought to myself the worst tragedies of what could happen. It seemed unbelievable to me that I would reach this far in my life. 

When I was a teenager, I went through major stages of crying myself to sleep and struggled with the continuation motivation of staying alive, feeling worthless and having no purpose, and alone in my mind when I couldn't see that I have a major support system. I touched a lot on this in my blog post here: 1-800-273-8255. To be honest, this last year really put me back in my place of dark times and sometimes I couldn't tell what I was going on for.. but I kept going. 

I am so glad to have good friends and family in my life. I can always count on my family to be there when I need motivation or a shoulder to cry on or a push in the right direction. I can count on my friends to be there for me and help get me through. I had dinner with my friend Abbey the other night and she mentioned the fact that so many people look up to me. The thought of being an inspiration and someone to look up to still doesn't register in my mind. It is unbelievable to me but I am so grateful for all the support I get. Plus, God is always ready to listen to my prayers and to count on. 

Secondly, music has always been there for me.  I am turning twenty-one this month. When I was 16, I wrote in my diary: "When I turn 21, I am going to be so thankful twenty-one pilots helped me get through." If you didn't know, one of twenty one pilots' major themes is staying alive. In Tyler Joseph's words at one of their concerts: "Stay alive; it's worth it! I promise!" I am so glad that I had this band and I got to see them twice in concert. I still play their music whenever I need a hug, reassurance, or just to jam. 

Lastly, 2020 really reminded me that life is precious and to take in every moment with the people you love because we never know when it'll be the last time. In October, I had a really bad car accident and it scared me so bad. When it happened, the first thought I had was that I didn't want that day to be my last and I had so much to do left and I love all the people in my life. The thought of it and flashbacks still happen to make me want to cry. Thankfully, everyone involved in the accident was okay. 

In November, my papa (grandpa) passed away. Whenever I think about this, it always hurts that everything happened so fast with him. It seems like yesterday he was telling me goodbye and that he'd see me later. I didn't ever think that that would be the last time I would get to talk to him. I always call my Nana on the phone to talk to her and he'd joke around and ask why I never call him. I only called him once after that and he'd ask how college is. I remember at my high school graduation, we took a picture together and he told me he was proud of me. I really hate cancer and I wish there was a cure for everything so nobody has to suffer in pain or lose anyone. 

From the moment that I started blogging, I have constantly made it a goal to reassure you all that we are dealing with struggles and it's okay to not be okay. I am now majoring in psychology as a bonus to my motivation to help people no matter how little or big. We will make it through these hard times and we are never alone. I am so proud of myself for pulling through every dark tunnel I have been in and I believe that you can do that too. 

Thank you for reading as always, 

Zayniator

Currently Listening to: Screen by twenty one pilots 

Starting my Sophomore Year of College

 Hello my lovelies, 

It has been a minute since my last blog post. It is weird how time flies by even when at the moment, it feels like eternity. It is now September! I can not believe I am going into my fourth week of classes already. My college year, so far, is far from normal due to the corona-virus. We are currently living in a time that will be in textbooks for future generations. The best thing I can do is go into each day with a positive attitude and stay safe. 

Also, I defeated my anxiety of driving! I got a car and have been driving myself to class and other places, too. Good thing my car comes in handy for the drive thru at Starbucks because it is officially pumpkin tasting time! Cold Brew Pumpkin is a competition to get before the daily supply runs out and so far, I have only had it once. It was delicious. I love the pumpkin and banana bread they have. 

I know this blog doesn't have a major point but I just felt like sharing with you all. 

Stay tuned for a better blog post than this one. :) 

Love always, 

Zayniator 

What I'm Currently Listening To: Seven by Taylor Swift

Have this old picture of me and Oreo

Disability Pride Month

Hello my lovelies,

I recently learned that July is Disability Pride Month! Disability Pride Month is for showing awareness of disabilities, honoring our struggles, and spreading love when people struggle and look different from you that they are equal and human.

I am Zayne. I'm 20. I have the following: Moebius Syndrome, Pierre Robin Sequence, and Duane's Syndrome. Half of my face is paralyzed which makes me have a crooked smile and hard time speaking, my eye sometime turns in which I wear glasses to help with (plus I have bad eyesight let's go glasses team!), bad hearing, cleft palate,  have scars on my throat from medical times when I was a baby. I had a hole in the roof of my mouth when I was younger that I got fixed. I have had over 24 surgeries in my life.

I have witnessed and felt judged by my disabilities in my life but I try to remember that I am better than that. I remind myself that not everyone will be so nice and helpful to disabilities. I still have flashbacks to when a boy called me Down Syndrome because of how I look and spoke. Kids constantly stare at me every place I go but I make the best of it by smiling at them and make funny faces hoping to get a smile back. I try the best to find the positive in every moment.

Yet, I am so grateful. I know things could be so much worse. I have a half smile and I can blink my eyes and I can walk and I can breathe on my own... I can go on. I feel like us as human beings forget to take a moment to be grateful for our own abilities sometimes.

Also, disabilities aren't just physical difficulties but mental as well and internally. That makes them even more beautiful and unique and warriors. They are making it through it day by day, even when they have help with them.

To anyone who helps people with disabilities: thank you. You are a superhero and your work is literally life impacting. You deserve to be recognized for your work and I am so glad for those who have you in their life. 

The fact that there are people out there who hold themselves on a higher scale of importance than those who struggle physically and mentally bother me to pieces. Life is not fair but you should not go out of your way to make others feel terrible for things that they are incapable of.

Nobody asks for their inner struggles. Nobody asks to have a family member deal with disabilities. Nobody asks for their physical disabilities.

If anything, you should open your mind and hearts to those who struggle. We all are human and it would be better to hold each other up instead of focusing on our differences.

Open the door for strangers and those in wheelchairs. Check if they need help!

Be patient with those who struggle with speech impediments and ask nicely if you want them to repeat themselves. Speaking from my own experience, it is much better asking than acting like you understood.

Speak loud enough for people with hearing struggles and don't be angry or frustrated if you have to repeat yourself. I promise it will help!

Do not discredit those who struggle mentally. They are trying their best.

I wish I could name every single disability people struggle with but I do not want to miss one. Just know disabilities are not identities and we are more than that. Mental illnesses aren’t identities either.

Please spread awareness of disability pride month. Make sure everyone in your life and in general know their worth. Don't discriminate someone on how they look and incapability.

You are valid.

Love always,

Zayniator

P.S thinking about my Moebius friends and can't wait for the next time I can hug them all.

One of my favorite pictures from the last Moebius Conference

What is Moebius Syndrome? Click here to learn more!

What is Pierre Robin Sequence? Click here to learn more!

What is Duane's Syndrome? Click here to learn more!

I Can Do Hard Things

Hey lovelies,

It has been a minute since I blogged. I have thought about what I would say but also, I learned as I have had this blog for years, that I write better when I am inspired. I am proud of myself though because I am starting to journal again. A couple years ago, I was in a dark place and challenged myself to write everyday, even when I had two sentences. It still counted!

Writing is one of my favorite things to do.

Anyways, major announcement: I am going to major in psychology!

As I sat down and really thought about this, multimedia journalism was my net I fell into. It just seemed... convenient for me. I loved writing, so bam that seemed perfect! I was ready for it..... or so I thought I was. Whenever I would say I am going to major in multimedia, it felt like a path that I was iffy about. I love writing but do I want to do that for a living? I love writing because I can write what I want to and don't have guidelines of what I have to write about. Of course, I am still writing for the O'Colly because I love the atmosphere and we can volunteer for stories and basically have our own free ground of ideas.

With a little push, I decided that I am changing my major. When I officially decided that I am majoring in psychology, it was a indescribable feeling. I felt like I changed my whole future and am going on the right path in life. I remember calling my best friend Haley because I knew she'd get what I felt. We both agreed that it felt like we found the golden way God set out for us to do. I am excited, nervous, and ready to do this.

I can do hard things.

I finished reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle and it felt like warm coffee to the soul. I couldn't read it all in one sitting though because I had to close it and take in the words I just read. It really got to my feelings and opened my brain even more. I loved it. I really suggest it! By the way, it is a memoir if you were wondering.

In the book, Doyle constantly mentions how you should listen to what your body tells you and that you can do hard things. Suffering is a part of life and makes you a stronger person after.

I remember learning how to play piano, I sat and dwell on the fact I will never be good at playing it. But I still suffered through the doubts and the relief I got and felt whenever I would play something right or get to play a song with my piano teacher afterwards, it was the reason I never gave up on those piano keys.

I can do hard things.

I am retaking a math course in the fall and I am determined to pass it this time. I know I am going to end up crying and questioning "why do I need to know the number of tickets sold at an imaginary event?" to myself then feel the need to give up...... but I won't.

I made it through my piano doubts. I can make it through math. I have made it through a lot of things... I can't let myself trip up on the small things.

I find myself feeling helpless in this world a lot with everything that goes on. I feel small but I actually know that even the small things can lead to a bigger impact. I will continue trying my best to help the best I can and however I can. I am one person but I know I can help the world and people. I am majoring in psychology because I love the human mind and behavior. I want to help people.

This is a mess of a blog post but I hope you all enjoyed it and take at least one thing with you when you click off of here.

Thank you for reading as always,

Zayniator
Currently listening to: Turning Out by AJR

This is my Animal Crossing character look at her records!

Thoughts of Zayne 5.4.20

Hello my lovelies,

I am back with another blog post and it is currently Monday so May the Fourths be with you as you're reading this. Fun fact: I used to hate Star Wars based off of a childhood memory. I remember my friends Cami, Brittain, and I tried watching one of the movies. I can not tell you which one we watched but I know I was bored and fell asleep watching. Based on that experience, I decided I hated Star Wars. A few months ago, I went to see Rise of Skywalker even though I had no idea or context.. and that was when I decided I loved it and wanted to watch them all.

Anakin Skywalker... that's all.

Also, there is a quote from my favorite book that talked about Star Wars.. Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell. I love her books. I have read them all. Heck, there was an event in Oklahoma that my aunt got her signature and it is still hanging on my mirror for me to see and smile at every time. I can not stress enough how much I loved this book.

Me reading Pumpkin Heads by Rainbow Rowell

I first read Eleanor and Park in 2015 and cried over it even though nobody died. I made a whole playlist of songs dedicated to this book because music was a theme to it. I found my diary that I have had since first grade and found my diary entry about rereading it for a second time just after I finished it the first time. My mom gotten me a necklace with the book cover on it that I sadly broke. I took pictures in an Eleanor and Park shirt with books to show I love it so much. When people ask me what they should read, I ALWAYS recommend this book.



What can I say? I love books.

 It is finals week too, by the way. I am only nervous for one test because it is an actual test BUT it is open book so.. all will be well. The other two I have are writing so not as nerve wracking. Wish me luck!

I just wanted to share a blog because I felt like typing and writing. Last night I was looking over my favorite poet's poetry and reminiscing on when I first started this blog, I was inspired by her enough to email her my blog link and thank her for being my inspiration and also sharing her experiences and making her feelings known. Lucky for me, she actually replied! This was back in 2016 but still meant a lot to me.

Read Ashley Dun's poetry!


I know, especially in quarantine, the need to distract yourself from being bored or antsy is real so I hope this at least makes you smile. That has always been one of my goals in my blog. Thank you for reading as always. I know this has no meaning but I like sharing my thoughts and hope you all are staying safe.

If you are wondering, I am currently rereading Eleanor and Park again.. and I am playing the book playlist as I am typing this.


Love always,

Zayniator

Currently listening to: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

This was me when I first read E&P

Quarantine Blogging

Hey lovelies,

I have tried multiple times to blog during these weird times that I have read in fictional books like we aren't going to experience a whole lockdown on staying inside your houses to avoid health threatening conditions..... wow, I was wrong. I don't know how to properly arrange my thoughts so I am sorry in advance for this mess of a blog. Just weird in the future I can look back onto this blog and reflect on what happened after this blog update.

Also, it is weird in February I made a blog about thriving... I miss it.

My first attempt of a blog was: I remember being told when I made my blog, I could reflect on my posts I make years later.... this seems like a good time to blog. It is crazy how fast things can change. I did not expect reading dystonia books would be kinda like reality at one period in the future.

Book recommendation: Dry by Neal Shusterman. It is about running out of water and the world goes into chaos- could not put this book down. It has been awhile since I read this and it is still in my mind so you MUST know it is that good.

Who knew the first thing people would hoard is toilet paper? Wild times upon us but also scary and  cautious times.

As I type this, it is spring break 

The end. 

Now, I am entering another week of online college classes and all my weeks seem to be all smashing together making this just a really really long cycle of days. How are online classes?

I miss being on campus. I miss seeing people. I miss seeing my professors in person. I miss my walking around campus and I miss the rainy days where I could walk with my umbrella that has dogs and cats all over the top.

But overall, it could be worse. 

Two of my college classes post their lectures online while the rest just post instructions for our assignments except my creative writing class. We missed talking to each other and seeing all our faces and funny conversations so now we have online conferences we have during class times. Thank goodness for the Internet. Overall, I am doing good in my college classes, :) 

Currently, I have the new All Time Low album playing and Oreo is sleeping at my feet. Sadly, miss Pepper is no longer with us and she is roaming in hedgehog heaven. After I typed that sentence, Oreo moved himself to sit on my thigh and squish himself as close as he can without falling off the edge of my bed. 

I really wish you all the safest and healthiest quarantine times and hopefully, it'll all be over soon. STAY INSIDE AND TAKE PRECAUTIONS! 

Lastly, thank you all for reading my blog. We are living in a history book moment and the chapter will end. 

Love always, 

Zayniator 

Listening to: Lover of Mine by 5 Seconds of Summer