Appreciation For My Grandparents

You are a legend in my mind.

Hello my lovelies,

 Yesterday, it was World Mental Health Day so I think that it’s important to bring attention to this because your mental health is important. We all are having hard times.

You come first.

Always. 

I want to thank everyone for all the support on my last blog about suicide prevention and sharing it for others as well. My goal of helping people and making touching posts succeeded but it’s never 100% finished.

One of my many inspirations has a birthday today and I just want to share that I hope I’m doing my nanaw (great grandmother)  proud. Cherish your grandparents and great grandparents, even. They could be filled with lessons and stories to be remembered and passed on.

Importantly, memories to be made.

Be sure to fill your life with memories and experiences to share with your family later on when they ask about what you did at that certain time. It’s okay to not live an exciting life but don’t live a life with regrets either. You never know what the future holds.

Be thankful.

Today’s blog post is mostly to share that I’m grateful for my family and my grandparents. I love them.

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to: Legend by twenty one pilots

Happy birthday, Nanaw.

1-800-273-8255

I can’t post with the same introduction as usual because I’m opening up a journal of thoughts that I try to keep buried but it’s good to be vulnerable, right? I keep having to pause on typing to take a breath before continuing because this is hard for me to talk about but I also feel the need to share.

In case you didn’t know, it’s suicide prevention week. Suicide isn’t happening only because someone didn’t get enough attention, didn’t care about how it affect their families and friends, or was too selfish. I know this is a sensitive topic but I feel like the awareness to help others is more important than keeping quiet and staying in the corner and brushing off the topic.

I’ve went through some really tough mental struggles in my life and at some points, I thought I wasn’t going to last until the next day or the next week. I felt trapped inside my own head and it’s an indescribable feeling to be locked up in your own mind and not finding a key anywhere.

But it’ll arrive.

I used to scratch my own arms when I was younger so I could feel something. I used to have tiny scars on my arm where I did and every time I looked at it, I felt guilt. I’ve done many things among wanting to harm my own good which I’m not proud of and reflecting back on it.. it’s scary.

I’ve felt hopeless. I’ve felt like I wouldn’t matter if I disappeared. If my mind was a prison then I was being held on death row.

I made it through though. I thought these hard times that I couldn’t overcome or be over with... ended. I’m not saying that I don’t feel those anymore permanently but for now, I’m okay. Life is a rollercoaster and I’m holding on.

I wanted to blog about this for many reasons but if for some miracle someone decides to read this and  it relates to how they’re feeling and that their struggles aren’t only existing in their world only. I always blog about the sunshine feelings with little mention of my dark times but I felt like this was a good thing to share.

Someone can act all okay but please make sure you confirm that they’re okay. It doesn’t take much to pick up a phone and call or text someone you haven’t heard from in awhile to remind them that you care. You’re never alone.

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about your dwelling negative thoughts with your family or your friends, please know you can call that number. 

You matter. 

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to Truce by twenty one pilots

Having Passion and What That Means To Me

Hello my lovelies,

My brain gears are currently turning so fast in deep thoughts and of course, I want to share with you about how much this blows my mind.

What am I thinking?

Passion.

To me, the word passion symbolizes something or someone that causes you to majorly feel indescribable. Whatever it is, you can’t explain your feelings because whatever words you use won’t be even close to be what you feel deep inside.

Music is a passion of mine and so is writing. Sure, I do love music and writing but in my mind that’s not even close to what I feel.

You can gain passion for something that makes you feel better or you can just turn to when all else fails and for me that’s music. I love Taylor Swift and I love twenty one pilots in very different ways. I love a lot of songs that aren’t by them but listening to them takes me on a whole other world.

I became a fan of Taylor Swift when I was in second grade and I feel like I can’t ever love any other singer as much as her because I’ve grown up with her music and maybe that’s a reason I love romantic books and movies.

I fell in love with twenty one pilots in 2015 and haven’t looked back. I found their music when I fell in a dark place inside my head but with their songs, I felt not alone. I sit and listen to think about how Tyler Joseph’s songwriting described my feelings and a comfort to listen to. I still go into my dark place sometimes but I have their songs to fall back on.

I’m so glad I found music that makes me feel indescribable.

I think it’s important to find something you’re passionate about because if you don’t have something or someone that makes you feel like you belong in this time and place then in my opinion, wouldn’t that be boring?

Your passion can be anything from music to books to your friends and family plus your beliefs. Just try to find something that makes you feel alive. 

I know I’m only eighteen but I really do believe that we can find happiness in small things and happiness isn’t a destination. It’s a feeling.

Please don’t pressure yourself at that thought of needing to be happy at all times and it’s okay to be not okay.

Thank you for reading as always.

Love,

Zayniator

Listening to: Addict With A Pen by twenty one pilots

Remembering Summer 2018 And Blog Hiatus

Hello my lovelies!

It has been a while since I have blogged and to be honest I have had many drafts saved to share with you but at the last minute, I decide against. It is a very vulnerable thing to share your own words online for others to read and I take every word of my blog very serious.

Welcome back!

This summer was filled with many adventures and I will spare you the long boring talk of it..... but I will talk about my favorite memories.

At the end of my junior year, my best friend Kaylee and I took a trip to visit my grandparents in Maryland. It was a very memorable trip and I enjoyed every moment.

My granddad took us on his special version of touring Washington D.C

Also, I highly suggest trying orange juice with vanilla ice cream because that is delicious. We spent mornings playing instruments and serenading my best friend and my Grandmom with ukulele skills was a major highlight.

After that trip, there was a small break of just reading and enjoying the calm moments with my family before taking a trip to Branson for the Fourth of July! I really enjoyed Silver Dollar City, mostly. Also, the fireworks I watched was beautiful and one of the best I have ever seen so that trip was also a success.

LASTLY, Moebius Syndrome Conference in Florida and getting to see family! First, my dad drove to where my aunt and uncle live with my little cousins and we stayed a couple days with them before heading on to the conference.

My silly cousin Charlotte! 

We took a trip to the beach and also went to a waterpark but in between those activities, there was never a dull moment. Plus, I got to love on their dogs.

After those few days, my dad continued and I continued the adventure to the Moebius conference. This is an indescribable experience with seeing friends from the previous conferences but also making and meeting new friends. This trip brought me tears out of overwhelming admiration for everyone there.

As I am typing and looking over those pictures, I am getting teary eyed again. I cannot explain this trip because there are no words... if you ever see me, ask me about this trip or Moebius in general. I am proud to be in the Moebius community and am thankful for this.

This summer was unforgettable and now... it's my senior year of high school. This blog will be back in business once more and I will try my best to believe my words are worthy enough to be shared.

Thank you for reading as always.

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to: The Man Who Can't Be Moved By The Script

Living Without Being Able To Smile Like Everyone Else

Hello my lovelies, I hope you’re having a great day.

I was watching a YouTuber named Shane Dawson and he has this video where he met a blind person for the first time and she was speaking about how people question her about her blindness and how she manages it. I felt like her answer was relatable because she mentioned how she learned to deal with her loss of sight and how it wasn’t that big of a deal to her how she couldn’t see so that was just her lifestyle; having no sight didn’t bother her because that’s all she knows. 

I’ve only known to smile my way since I first smiled. No, my lips don’t ever touch. Do I ever envy people who can smile and move their lips with good speech? Yes, but I embrace how I am.

I can’t tell how many times I’ve been by little kids who’ve stared and questioned why I am the way I am: it has become a expectation every time I’m going somewhere like Walmart or McDonald’s. Parents sometimes would quickly scold them (or drag their arm away which is okay too) and apologize when honestly, it’s just curiosity. I don’t mind having curious questions being asked or stares because I’m different. 

I’m grateful and I am honestly in love with my own smile because I’m lucky enough to have that facial expression unlike some of my own Moebius friends who can’t even move their facial muscles.

I think we all are lucky to be who we are because there’s no one that can do you better than you.

So when you meet or see someone out of the ordinary, remember how amazing and lucky you are. Plus, EMBRACE them as well!

I’ll forever get frustrated over the day a boy screamed “Down Syndrome!” at me because firstly, it blows my mind how some people are that type to judge he rude and cruel to total strangers. Secondly, just because someone has a disability or is suffering does NOT mean they’re any less than you will ever be.

Lastly, if you judge someone by the outside then I hope you learn to not do that.

There’s always those people who I talk to and it’s like a sense to automatically know when they have no idea what I’ve said but they act like they do so they nod and are like “Oh yeah..” because they’re scared to ask me.

It’s better to ask questions than pretend to know what you’re doing or hearing (this goes for school too).

Being 18, having Moebius and other health problems plus speech sometimes and had over 20 surgeries has no effect on how I live my life. I may look different but I’m on the same brainwave as you.

Please remember that you should be grateful for not only how you are but everything you have. With all these stories about people losing their homes and animals, cherish everything as if it’s the last moment you have with it.

Have a great day or night or whenever you read this.

Also, prom is right around the corner so !!!! Excited. My prom date is going to be my best friend Kaylee because who needs a guy to take you? (If you’re taking an actual date, congratulations!!)

Happy Thursday.
Love Always,

Zayniator

Listening to: TOO GOOD by Troye Sivan 

Rememberance And Goals

Hey my lovelies,

It’s been awhile since I posted on my blog so hello! I just finished rewriting an essay about my ancestors and one person that still is in my head all the time is my nanaw.

I hope everyone meets someone that affects your life as much as my nanaw affected mine. It’s been five years and it still feels like yesterday she’d play go fish with me and I’d be fascinated by her skills of shuffling cards.

Let’s not forget her love of tennis and jeopardy and her love for God.

I was amazed by everything she did, honestly. When I saw the movie I Can Only Imagine, one of the thoughts I had was about her and that she would’ve loved this movie too. I’m currently playing the song and I’m crying, oops.

My nanaw isn’t just someone that was wise and great; she was one of a kind. She motivates me to be more like her everyday.

I know we don’t think all about our steps in life but we are leaving marks on this earth that we may not be remembered by everyone but I’m sure we will be remembered. We’re all different in our own ways and together if we put our minds in sync, we’ll be able to accomplish more and have more love and positivity.

We need positivity in this world.

Remember to smile today!

Also, wish me luck on my one act play tonight. (:

Peace, love, and positivity.

Love always,

Zayniator

Listening to: In The Dark by Camila Cabello

 

Smiling With Our Hearts

Hello my lovelies!

Yesterday was Moebius Awareness Day 2018 and it’s always been amazing. I can’t express what I feel when I see so many people in purple.

It’s honestly indescribable.

Thank you to those who ordered a shirt which help funded my trip this summer to go to Florida to my third Moebius conference. I honestly can’t thank everyone enough that wore purple, that spread the word about this special day.

A month from now I’ll be 18 which is honestly crazy to me. I don’t like how fast time is going. Please slow it down.

This is a short blog post but just know thank you so much. Thank. You.

Love Always, 

Zayniator 

Listening to: 

Undertow by Timbaland featuring The Fray