I have thought about this topic for my blog for a while now. Of course, my perspective on relationships has changed over my lifetime and everyone's experiences are different.
In elementary, relationships were viewed as "Oh you're cute I would hold your hand" type of thing. Do kids know what crushes are? Doubtful. I will never forget being in fifth grade and it was obvious I had a crush on a boy in my grade. One day after recess, he and a group of friends ran up to me to ask "Will you be my girlfriend?"
Me, being oblivious and not understanding the joke, I said yes for the boys to laugh at me and then run off. I don't remember how I felt after besides just confusion. It took me a few years to realize I was the joke to say yes. Those times were brutal.
In middle and high school, I never had a relationship and honestly, I was not looking for anything like that in someone. When it came to school dances and prom, it did hurt that I wouldn't get asked to any dances or prom. For my junior year prom, I went with my best friends which felt like girl power. I walked down the homecoming aisle with my best friend Kaylee. Senior year, I went with a nice guy my mom had thought of for me to go with. It was fun!
But the seed was planted in the back of my head: I am not anyone's type with my disabilities. Even with my mom and family constantly reminding me how beautiful I am and good personality I have that anyone would be lucky to have me, I didn't believe them.
When I was around 16, I got an anonymous question app to ask if it was a turn-off if someone had paralyzed lips for looks and kissing. All the comments I got said "yes" and "ew disgusting" which messed with my insecurities a lot I hate to say.
In college, it is said a lot that this is the time you meet the love of your life! Of course, having social anxiety made me hate going to parties and I feel socially awkward in general made it hard to make friends nonetheless a romantic interest. I went on my first date when I was 21 and looking back, I think I was more excited over the fact it would be my first date. Of course, that led to nowhere. So, the thought of relationships went on the back burner of worries to have.
I tried dating apps for funsies and didn't take them seriously most of the time. When they would compliment my personality or seem interested in me, I would bring up the fact I have a speech impediment or a disability. Half the time, they would ghost me after hearing this which y'know good because I don't need that energy in my life.
Yet again, it felt like an extra burden sometimes having a disability. Yes, I did see disabled people in relationships but my brain was mean to tell me that I wouldn't find myself loved like that by someone.
I talked to some of my friends with a range of disabilities who have felt the same way as I did.
Some examples of thoughts for multiple people: What if they don't have the patience to understand me? What if my disability is too much for them to handle? What if they don't want to have to worry about my health? What if my physical capability turns them away? I can't do everything someone else can do.
My mindset got to the point that I stopped really looking for love.... until my boyfriend came into my life. I like the idea of there being an invisible string connecting one to another. We lived in the same dorm area freshman year. We are both psychology majors but never met until we did.
He slid into my messages about how our dogs look alike and I did not think anything of it at the time. I was on vacation so we messaged back and forth for a couple days. He brought up going to the dog park together. When I got back, I reminded him about that idea. So, our first date was a dog park and dinner.
I promise this is relevant and not just to talk about my love story hehe.
Anyway, I sent him links to my blog and never really brought up my disability because I felt comfortable enough in our conversations.
On our first date at dinner, he told me that he looked up what Moebius Syndrome was and read all about it. There are no words to describe how much that meant to me. It meant to the world that I didn't have to educate him on what I have. Of course, he had questions but I didn't need to explain it all to him.
After a couple dates, I brought up that making connections was harder for me it felt like because of my disabilities and how much it meant to me he looked past that and had so much patience to understand me that it didn't affect how he felt towards me.
His response: When we were first talking, I just enjoyed it so much that it would be stupid for me to let anything like that affect getting to know you.
We got lucky finding each other and I am so happy with him. He is constantly wearing my Moebius Syndrome Foundation shirts and bracelets. He also supports my job in helping the organization and one of his favorite things about me that I do is how passionate about disability advocacy.
I wanted to post this blog post in hopes of comforting other people who have felt the way I did and reassuring you that love will find you unexpectedly, no matter your age.
With love,
