Hello my lovelies,
It has been a while since I last blogged which was in September. On December 1st, my blog marked another year of existence. Can you believe I have had this blog for four years? It makes me giggle at the fact at this time last year, I posted a blog titled "2020 and Thriving". Little did we all know, there wouldn't be much thriving when March rolled around.
It is now 2021 and February which means: it is my birthday month! I am turning 21 this month and honestly, I can't believe it. This is going to sound very depressing but when I was younger, I thought I'd never make it to twenty one. I always thought to myself the worst tragedies of what could happen. It seemed unbelievable to me that I would reach this far in my life.
When I was a teenager, I went through major stages of crying myself to sleep and struggled with the continuation motivation of staying alive, feeling worthless and having no purpose, and alone in my mind when I couldn't see that I have a major support system. I touched a lot on this in my blog post here: 1-800-273-8255. To be honest, this last year really put me back in my place of dark times and sometimes I couldn't tell what I was going on for.. but I kept going.
I am so glad to have good friends and family in my life. I can always count on my family to be there when I need motivation or a shoulder to cry on or a push in the right direction. I can count on my friends to be there for me and help get me through. I had dinner with my friend Abbey the other night and she mentioned the fact that so many people look up to me. The thought of being an inspiration and someone to look up to still doesn't register in my mind. It is unbelievable to me but I am so grateful for all the support I get. Plus, God is always ready to listen to my prayers and to count on.
Secondly, music has always been there for me. I am turning twenty-one this month. When I was 16, I wrote in my diary: "When I turn 21, I am going to be so thankful twenty-one pilots helped me get through." If you didn't know, one of twenty one pilots' major themes is staying alive. In Tyler Joseph's words at one of their concerts: "Stay alive; it's worth it! I promise!" I am so glad that I had this band and I got to see them twice in concert. I still play their music whenever I need a hug, reassurance, or just to jam.
Lastly, 2020 really reminded me that life is precious and to take in every moment with the people you love because we never know when it'll be the last time. In October, I had a really bad car accident and it scared me so bad. When it happened, the first thought I had was that I didn't want that day to be my last and I had so much to do left and I love all the people in my life. The thought of it and flashbacks still happen to make me want to cry. Thankfully, everyone involved in the accident was okay.
In November, my papa (grandpa) passed away. Whenever I think about this, it always hurts that everything happened so fast with him. It seems like yesterday he was telling me goodbye and that he'd see me later. I didn't ever think that that would be the last time I would get to talk to him. I always call my Nana on the phone to talk to her and he'd joke around and ask why I never call him. I only called him once after that and he'd ask how college is. I remember at my high school graduation, we took a picture together and he told me he was proud of me. I really hate cancer and I wish there was a cure for everything so nobody has to suffer in pain or lose anyone.
From the moment that I started blogging, I have constantly made it a goal to reassure you all that we are dealing with struggles and it's okay to not be okay. I am now majoring in psychology as a bonus to my motivation to help people no matter how little or big. We will make it through these hard times and we are never alone. I am so proud of myself for pulling through every dark tunnel I have been in and I believe that you can do that too.
Thank you for reading as always,
Zayniator
Currently Listening to: Screen by twenty one pilots
