Hey lovelies,
As I sit and type this blog, my dog is sleeping at my feet peacefully and my mind and heart is filled with many feelings. I sat down tonight to look through my baby book and read the things written about what happened in my life as a baby. I honestly blow my own mind with how many things my young tiny self went through and I am still here.
I can recall a lot of good times and bad in my life but something I never doubted was the love I have from my parents and family. Yes, I have felt alone and numb at times but I knew they care a lot for me even when I made mistakes.
I found a birthday card my mom saved for me to read when I was older and tonight was the night to read over it. To be honest, I teared up a bit. She told me many things and wished upon things for me that made me smile.
I wanted to name this blog post "Keep On Fighting" like the card mentioned to me after how much I went through at just one years old. Then I thought that sounded weird so I changed it. Crazy how next month is my birthday and that I will be 19. Time flies.
I try to not only find my own happiness but to make my family proud of me, too.
Sadly, I am the hardest on myself about everything. I don't have a very high self esteem and I have times where I don't feel like I fit in my own skin and feel insecure about how I look. I went to a wedding with my dad and the whole time I had my petticoat on because I felt insecure about my
arms. People tell me that I am beautiful and I feel flattered but the voice in my mind says they are only being nice. Then again, when my family tells me I look most like my Grandmom that really makes me feel special because she is beautiful. (I still don't see it though.)
I am still grateful overall for how lucky I am and what God has blessed me with in life.
I have major anxiety at the thought of talking to people first and when I do this, my brain screams because I think that I am just being a bother and that I should just stop talking. I feel like I intimidate people with how I look and that is what keeps them from talking to me first. I know it is a stupid thought, right?
I know I am not alone with my fears and insecurities and thoughts but it is still scary to be stuck in your own head sometimes.
I am so glad after all the hard times and dark times that I have gone through, I am glad I keep fighting the down times in life to enjoy the good times at the end of the day. It still hurts that some people can't see through that and get stuck in the mind that it will never get better for them.
Please keep fighting. It is worth it. My first blog post of 2019... good? Yes? Thank you.
Don't forget that on January 24th it is Moebius Syndrome Awareness Day and that is the day to WEAR PURPLE AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU ARE AWESOME FOR WEARING PURPLE.
Seriously though, this is my last school year and I want to make this year memorable just like the other ones.
Smile with your heart.
Love always,
Zayniator
Song that I am listening to:
The Proof Of Your Love by for King & Country
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| My mom did this edit because I do not have the talent to do this. |
